the wedding party: it’s ok if they say “no.”
There’s something about being on a plane—maybe it’s the white noise, disconnection from the rest of the world or the anticipation of new places, people and experiences waiting on the other end of the flight. But for me, planes are one of the most productive places in the world. It’s the one place I feel like I can really sit with my thoughts, undisrupted, and focus.
Today, I’m flying to Nashville to celebrate my friend Susanne’s wedding, which is quite an unexpected turn of events considering I often find myself planning and coordinating the weddings of most of my friends. While I wasn’t able to help plan or coordinate her wedding, Susanne did in fact ask me to be a bridesmaid.
And I said no.
I know. I know what you’re thinking: “What?? How you could you?” And hear me out: I absolutely love Susanne and I am deeply honored she wanted me to be there next to her on her wedding day, but I knew myself well enough to know that I wouldn’t be able to serve her with a willing and joyful heart in that capacity. Being available on the day-of to do Starbucks’ runs or pick up extra ice for the bar because they ran out? Yes. Buying the dress and taking on all of the responsibilities that come along with being a bridesmaid? Not so much. And that’s ok! Being in someone’s wedding should not be a representation of the strength or closeness of your relationship nor should your relationship hinge on whether or not you’re able to, or simply want to, be a part of the wedding party.
As a bride (or groom), when thinking of who you want to be by your side on your wedding day, keep in mind that there is a great deal of responsibility, financial investment, time, and emotion tied to being a bridesmaid or groomsman and that when asking your designated friends or family, it’s ok for them to say “no.”
Yes, it stings, but I promise it doesn’t mean they love you any less. Maybe it’s not in their budget for the year or maybe they just started a new job and don’t have the bandwidth for anything else at the moment. Whatever it is, if they are your friend (close enough for you to be asking them to be in your wedding party), take a moment to consider how you can be a good friend in return, even if that’s inviting them to be a guest instead of being a bridesmaid or groomsman.
Plus, there are plenty of other ways to include your friends and family on your big day that don’t require them to buy a new dress or partake in all of the pre-wedding activities. Consider asking them to:
- Get ready at the hotel with you
- Be your designated runner
- Greet guests when they arrive
- Hand out programs
- Escort guests to their seats
- Read scripture or recite a poem during the ceremony
- Sing or perform
- Pray over dinner
- Emcee the reception
All in all, if someone means a lot to you but can’t be a part of your wedding party for whatever reason, it’s going to be ok. I promise. Remind them that you love them no matter what and ask what alternative activities and/or responsibilities they might be comfortable taking part in because you couldn’t imagine your big day without them.
I can’t wait to celebrate with Susanne and Connor this weekend. Thank you for loving me no matter what.
with love xo
Me and Susanne the day she got engaged.